The Trouble With Love

For as long as I can remember I have always hated Valentines Day. Perhaps it is the memories of seeing my mother crying because my father never even brought home one single flower for her. Or perhaps it’s because even when I had a boyfriend he was either too busy to bother with Valentines Day or secretly cheating on me. When it comes to love I have my battle scars. I have kept my heart well guarded for the past eight years, never going on a date because I feared of getting my heart broken before. The moment my son was born I made a decision that I was going to put him first. I also made the decision that I was going to grow up and act responsible. You see before my son was born I was a bit wild. I dated lots of guys, ran off to Vegas with one, ran off to Miami with another and Washington D.C. with another. I jumped into relationships without thinking things through. Without stopping to realize that perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to take off someplace far away with a man I barely knew. I guess that is what happens when you grow up. You take off the rose colored glasses and you see the messy decisions you once made. My last relationship was with my son’s father and it was something nightmares are made of. Like a fool I fell in love with a man I barely knew. A man who as it turns out was wearing a mask. Behind that mask was a dangerous man who had no empathy at all. He enjoyed hurting people and it scared me. Most of all he enjoyed hurting me. I cut off ties when my son was born and never looked back. It took me years to heal not only physically but mentally. When you are in an abusive relationship you are often left shattered. Though I took my son and got as far away from my abuser as possible I still felt like a fool. After all I had watched my mother endure three bad relationships that left her permanently scarred. It’s something you never really get over.The problem I sometimes find on social media is that some people are way too open with the choices they have made. I find myself often getting upset over these posts of men or women who have just gotten a divorce and are already in a new relationship. I find myself asking Why? Perhaps my wounds are still fresh after eight years or perhaps I have just become so jaded when it comes to love. I watched my mother jump from one relationship to another much like those posts I have often read. I watched as she realized what a mistake it was to leap without thinking and yes I am just as guilty. I too in the past have leaped into rebound relationships without thinking and quickly learned what I mistake I had made. Though I still have faith that the right man will come along someday, I also have faith that one day my heart will be completely healed.

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